Friday, December 7, 2007

Bring It! December 7, 2007

It was Friday night, and I was faced with a dress-up dilemma worthy of a Project Runway Challenge. My budget and energy were running low, but my plan for the evening included 2 birthday parties: one for a cub friend hosting a Come as Ugly as Possible party, another for a girlfriend at a hetero-heavy disco dance party called Paradise.

I arrived at the perfect solution while waiting for the clock to strike 5 at my day job, and when I arrived at the bear party rocking a hideous Freddie Mercury mustache, I was a hit. I even learned new gay vocab when someone referred to me as “Goldilocks,” the bear community’s term of endearment for a fag hag.

But even the most experienced fag hag is at a loss for words to describe departing said bear party and running out into Market Street, stripper heels clacking loudly as I’m ripping the afro from my head, and getting the call from my drag queens, urgently inviting me to join them in their limo headed for Paradise.

I needed a moment to shift gears and apply a more appropriate amount of glitter, and the air kisses and Dom Perignon helped smooth the transition. I had to smile as my friend Suga Rim pointed out that most people just don’t have the same kinds of problems we do here in the homo headquarters of the world, including how to transform from Forget Fashion Ugliness to Decadent Disco Drag while on the go and under the gun.

I call that “just another Friday night in San Francisco,” and bringing it no matter what scene you might find yourself in. It’s a damn nice problem to have!

Coming up, my dilemma will be how to attend all of the following in the midst of the frenzied holiday season: the new Fag Fridays at Pink with DJ Quentin Harris on the 14th, Black XXXmas with DJ Abel & DJ Luke Johnstone at Factory and/or Supersonic Sundays at SF Underground on the 15th, Fresh with DJ Kimberly S at Ruby Skye and/or Thick with DJ Robbie Martin at Club Eight on the 16th, Heat at The Stud on the 21st, and the Christmas episodes of the Golden Girls.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Bring It! November 23, 2007

I was so beyond grateful that I got to spend this Thanksgiving with my San Framily, it got me thinking about all the only-in-San Francisco things that make me so thankful I live here (and spend every cent of my disposable income on decadence and frivolity).

Twisted fag hag that I am, I often see the city’s club scene as a metaphor for life. It changes and evolves constantly, and people love to wax sentimental about the good old days, but I’m in a mood to appreciate the here and now.

These days, we have to give to get. Our smaller but more numerous clubs live and die over what we’re willing to bring to the table. Some weeks we’re satisfied, and others we go hungry, but we never have a night off, which means we always have more than enough.

When I have a wildly different take than friends at the same club dancing to the same music, it’s a reminder that there really is something for every dance queen in this town of plenty. The dark and spare beats that do nothing for me obviously scratch an itch for others, probably the same guys who roll their eyes when the screaming divas set me off on the dancefloor.

This give and take is a good thing, exposing us beyond our comfort zone, and keeping us honest about our love of diversity. I say if you can’t be at the club you love, honey, love the clubs you’re at. Keep on bringing it and making the best of it, and eventually you’ll get yours.

Coming up on November 30, I’m trying out Paradise, an all-night disco party at Mezzanine with an 18-piece live band. On December 2 I’ll do my best to get into the frosty spirit of Winter Wonderland Matinee at Temple, and December 5 I’ll be dishing with all the other GLOSS columnists at Lime. I’m especially looking forward to December 9, when I’ll be dancing on the gogo box at The Launch Party at JET, my favorite T-dance in the Gayborhood. I always get the happy vibe I’m looking for there, and with cohosts Bebe Sweetbriar and Heklina raising money for the AIDS Housing Alliance SF, having a good time there means also supporting a good cause, and that’s as good as it gets!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Bring It! November 8, 2007

Am I gay yet?

A button with this cute one-liner lives on my purse, my way of wearing my heart on my sleeve. But just when I thought I couldn't possibly be any gayer (or at least as gay as a gay man trapped inside the body of a hetero-flexible married woman can be), I found myself on an Atlantis cruise. My idea of heaven on earth was redefined, broadened to include not only the Castro, but also what my fellow sea-men and I lovingly described as the “dick deck,” by the pool on the big gay party boat.

"Every day in San Francisco is just like being on this boat," I’d explain to anyone who couldn’t quite grasp what I was doing there with 2,100 frolicking boys in Speedos. But that's not exactly true. While there's no place like home, a willingly captive community of happy homos at sea was even better, too good to be true. You know it’s a fabulous event when you come home to San Fran-fucking-cisco and it seems a little less sparkly and swishy!

I'm over my post-cruise blues now that I'm back into the rhythm of life as a circuit sister, drag hag, and gayborhood activist. It’s nice to be reminded that the beauty and magic of San Francisco is that you don't have to go anywhere at all to get your full gay on.

I might have finally earned full-fledged homosexual status on that cruise, going where no straight-ish woman has gone before. If nothing else, I’ve renewed my vow to be the biggest, proudest fag hag I can be, and I hope you’ll join me as I bring some of that smiling, carefree kinship back from utopian Atlantis world to the dancefloors and drag shows of the perpetual gay cruise known as San Francisco.

Join me at Ghetto Disco, the new flaming Friday party at the Endup, or at The Miss Trannyshack pageant on November 17, where I’ll be playing the roles of backup dancer and supportive stage mother to the city’s finest queens in heels. Maybe you’d rather dance with me and the beefcake bears at Basket’s Bombs over the Bay party at Club Eight on November 24, or watch me climb all over the muscle mans at Fresh November 18, and at Industry on November 24. Look for the girl with flowers in her hair, or just look for the girl!

We’ll have a gay old time, and we’ll bring it like San Franciscans do every day of the year!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Just another Tuesday afternoon in San Francisco

So I’m sitting in my cubicle at work early Tuesday morning, trying to put on a fresh face for an 8:00 a.m. team meeting with my big boss from the East Coast, whom we call the “K-Hole,” (and not in a complimentary way. His first name starts with the letter K, and you can figure out what the rest refers to).

He’s come to tell us the crappy news that my direct boss has quit. Not a surprise. Anyone with brains or ambition or even an ounce of creativity eventually runs screaming from my corporate job, which is just like a Dilbert comic strip, only not funny. But for me, being able to sit still and turn off my brain from 8-5 during the week is somewhat therapeutic, especially when compared to how much physical exertion and brain power goes into cruise directing my weekends.

So the K-Hole is droning on endlessly about “opportunity,” and “managing the end-to-end experience,” and “dialoguing,” and I’m doing what I usually do, translating this into my real job as the Original Fag Hag.

I’m regretting all the missed "opportunities" I’ve had over the years to post juicy little tidbits on my blog, which I only recently and very belatedly started; contemplating the "end-to-end experience" my weekend coming up will be, given the charity pool party, dance classes, Dore Alley street fair and 2 circuit parties I’m going to; and jotting down notes for how I will be "dialoguing" about this experience to as much of gay San Francisco will listen.

But on this day (which ultimately sucks hard for me, because my cool boss who didn’t give a shit about how much time I put in is history), I have an impish grin on my face because when the clock strikes noon, I’m out.

I’m off to participate in the filming of a promotional DVD for the new Sunday T-Dance at JET, which I’ve been asked to gogodance at by Bebe Sweetbriar, a wonderful charity drag queen who also happens to be fucking fierce in every way. I met her at the Marlena’s Dragathon just the week before Pride, where she hosted the hour before the one in which I got to be Beyonce for 5 minutes. She’s super-professional, she’s got a plan, and she’s doing it all for a good cause, which makes her my hero. (Not unlike Donna Sachet, who is hosting the Equality California pool party I’m attending on Saturday even though I can’t afford it.)

So we’re filming at JET (thank goodness I work so close to the Castro!), and I meet one of the 2 gogoboys I’ll be dancing with on August 12. Of course he’s delicious, though not my usual type (blond, tall, sweet), which is why I’m so taken aback when he flashes me an impish grin, upon recognizing me. Apparently I’ve climbed atop this gogoboy before, along with his partner, on the dancefloor at Fresh. He’s just put it all together, because on this day my hair is down and wild, and on the dancefloor it’s always restrained, adorned with flowers.

He’s a doll, and when I start recognizing his tattoos from the gym, I finally start putting it all together, too. We’re mutually thrilled that we’ll be dancing together, and we’re giggling and squealing about all the fun events coming up for the weekend.

I am swooning.

Then we film the last shot for the day, in what will be the “first-class” area of the airline-themed party. On a pole. I’ve never danced on pole before (I’m scared! A girl could really hurt herself!), and neither has gogoboy. But we are game. We climb on pole, and all over and around and under each other, until we are wet and panting.

Not bad for a Tuesday afternoon. And I got a bonus cardio workout, too!

CRUISE DIRECTOR ALERT: Splash, freeze and play on Dore weekend

Hi friends!

Hard to believe how quickly the summer is just racing by, and that it’s already time for our down n’ dirty leather street festival, Dore Alley. Last year at this time I was in San Diego for Pride and had to miss this intimate and local fave, so I’ll be looking to make up for lost time!

Fortunately, it’s a weekend jam-packed with fun, by the pool, on the dancefloor, and in the streets:

Saturday, July 28 (daytime)

Splash 2 Pool Party

Join LGBT civil rights and advocacy organization Equality California to raise funds for a great cause, and to see a special performance by none other than the Original Fag Hag’s role model and hero, Donna Sachet (

12-4 at the Imperial Palace

3900 21st Street @ Castro

Tickets $50 online at :{DBC23C2B-24F3-4DEB-9F74-7815D5A76C3B}&content_id={333E0A77-54E6-4AC1-AB91-9346D1606460}&seid=

Saturday, July 28 (nighttime)

Arctic Babylon with DJ Manny Lehman, DJ Luke Johnstone, RKM, and a live performance by Flava (

Nevermind that the Original Fag Hag’s favorite soap opera, Queer as Folk, has been off the air for YEARS, and that this affiliated circuit party has been moved from its former home at Mezzanine, your cruise director’s favorite venue. Here’s a great chance to see a world-class DJ in a very cozy club, and a chance to see the inimitable, amazing, and always overflowing with happy energy Mark Miller (aka Miss Miller) on the gogo box!

Embrace Productions will build Arctic Babylon, transforming dance floors into sexy winter wonderlands with over-the-top visuals and d├ęcor including floor to ceiling icicles, glaciers, and of course, snow frosted dancers. Arctic Babylon Tour is the most visually stunning of all past Babylon adventures, stimulating the full Babylon experience.


119 Utah Street @ 15th


$20 advance tickets available at BODY on Castro, $30 door (for general info about the nationwide tour) (for local details)

Also Saturday night, for those of you who want to get a head start on your Dore Alley celebration, this party sounds totally hot, with the Cat Club opening up extra floors for the occasion:

Bay of Pigs

Three Floors of Debauchery, with DJ Paulo in the main room, DJ Nikita in the Dungeon Lounge on the 2nd floor, and Tattoo Chris hosting the evening

Cat Club
1190 Folsom
10pm - 4am

$30.00 advance tix available at Rock Hard and Mr S. Leather

$40.00 At the door (if available) night of the event.

Sunday, July 29

Let’s start the day off right, nice and early, with mimosas at our usual Sunday brunching spot, Squat & Gobble Castro, at Noe & Market. We’ll be there at 10:00 a.m. (NOTE: not the usual 11:30 a.m.!), already decked out in our leather and camouflage gear (just FYI, that’s this year’s “butch and natural” theme for the 3 women who will be attending), so we’ll be ready to go directly to Dore immediately following.

Up Your Alley Street Fair, (aka Dore Alley)


Dore Alley, between Folsom and Howard Streets and the adjoining block of Folsom between 9th and 10th Streets

Immediately following the fair, we’ll regroup and briefly rest before gearing up for one more dance party before the weekend’s over:

Play (“Flirt. Frolic. Dance.”)

Official T-Dance and Gear Party of the Up Your Alley Street Fair

DJ David Knapp


DNA Lounge

375 11th Street @ Harrison

$20 advance from Play Pals

$25 advance at PO Plus Castro, Mister S or online

$30 door


Sunday, August 5

Matinee with DJs Wayne G and Luke Johnstone @ Temple

New venue! Howard between 1st & 2nd


Sunday, August 12

Your faithful cruise director debuts on the gogo box at a brand new T-dance in the gayborhood, The Launch Party at JET, 3pm-9pm

ALSO on August 12:

Jamie J Sanchez at Fresh

Hope to see you soon!

Your faithful cruise director,


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

CRUISE DIRECTOR ALERT: Bouncin’ back from the birthday

Hey everyone!

Been swimmin’ around in a lot of champagne and a lot of love this past week, and really wanted to thank all of you so much for the embarrassingly excessive birthday wishes and bubbly and gifts and rallying. It’s so nice to get so many warm fuzzies at my advanced age!

Haven’t been seen on the big gay dance circuit since (gasp!) Independence Day, so I’m ready to pounce this weekend. Here’s what’s coming up:

Saturday, July 21:

Adonis with DJ Escape

10pm - late

$15 before 11pm, $20 after

Club NV

525 Howard @ 1st

Also Saturday:

Nonstop Bhangra

So much more than just the typical club night, Non-Stop Bhangra is a collective vision that has taken the SF dance scene by storm, featuring live dhol (drum) players, dance performances, dance lessons and DJs dedicated to sharing the art of Bhangra.

9pm – 2am

10 advance, $15 door

Rickshaw Stop

155 Fell Street @ Van Ness

Sunday, July 22:

Fresh with DJ Scotty K

Ruby Skye

420 Mason Street @ Geary


$20 before 6:30, $25 after

Also wanted to mention something that keeps popping up on the lips of all SF’s finest cabaret queens, cuz it’s a limited engagement and people keep telling me things like “Run, do not walk, to get your tickets!”:

Kiki & Herb

July 13–29

A.C.T. - 415 Geary St.
Kiki (Justin Bond) is a brash, boozy septuagenarian chanteuse. She's seen it all and done it all, just don't expect her to remember it all. On stage with her stalwart accompanist and only living friend Herb (Kenny Mellman), Kiki lets rip with political rants, searing social commentary and confessions about their own highs and lows. Together they've self-medicated their way through numerous regimes, fads and fascists, presidencies, pregnancies and personal challenges that would send most people into rehab or retirement, but not Kiki & Herb. They don't quit!


Saturday, July 28 (daytime)

Splash 2 party at the Imperial Palace with Donna Sachet (Marriage Equality fundraiser){DBC23C2B-24F3-4DEB-9F74-7815D5A76C3B}&content_id={333E0A77-54E6-4AC1-AB91-9346D1606460}&seid=

Saturday, July 28 (nighttime)

Arctic Babylon at Mighty

Bay of Pigs

Sunday, July 29 (daytime)

Dore Alley

Sunday, July 29 (nighttime)


As always, please keep my cell phone number handy for anytime you want to find me and join me (and most especially if you want to cruise direct ME!) –

415.305.2916. And please let me know if you’d rather not receive my “alerts.”

Your faithful cruise director,

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I'm so gay!

Got some big-time birthday love this weekend from my main gays, who sang this little ditty to me on Boy Beach...

You're So Gay
(to the tune of "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon)

You danced into the disco
Like you were dancing onto a yacht
Your wig strategically dipped below one eye
Its color was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the boys dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so gay
You probably think this song is about you
You're so gay
I'll bet you think this song is about sex
Don't you? Don't you?

You dressed me several years ago
When I was in your closet
Well, you said that my dress made me look fat
And that you should wear it instead
You took away the things I loved
And one was my naivete
I had some dreams they were clouds in my champers
Clouds in my champers, and

You're so gay
You probably think this song is about sex
You're so gay
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?
I had some dreams they were clouds in my champers
Clouds in my champers, and

You're so gay
You probably think this song is about you
You're so gay
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went out to Pink Saturday
And your ass naturally won
You dragged your pals all over town
Then you drank your Sofia at Dolores Park Boy Beach
To see the total eclipse of the buns
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're at
Some underwear dance or a disco in the hood
Disco in the hood, and

You're so gay
You probably think this song is about sex

You're so gay

I'll bet you think this song is about drugs

Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

You're so gay
You probably think this song is pathetic

You're so gay

You probably think this song is about sex

You're so gay

You probably think this song is about drugs

You're so gay (so gay)
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

CRUISE DIRECTOR ALERT: Get my groove back!

Well, I’ve officially traded in my “Why oh why does Pride come but once a year?” mantra for “Thank goodness Pride only happens once a year.”

This particular Pride was a hum-&!@#$@*-dinger, and I’m only just now back to good health. Fortunately, the circuit gods of San Francisco took mercy on my glitter-overdosing soul, and the club scene has been relatively quiet of late. In fact, none of my fave dance parties are happening this weekend, so it’s looking like more R&R is in store.

However, this Saturday, July 14, is Bastille Day, and there’s nothing your faithful cruise director likes more than an excuse to eat cake, drink champagne, dress scantily, and yell “Vive Le France!”

I know I just finished saying that I was going to rest this weekend, but you know I can’t help myself, and actually, dancing at a straight club sort of counts as taking a night off for me. So, unless I’m incapacitated by too much champagne, I’m gonna don my French maid outfit and check out:

Celebrate Bastille Day with "Bardot a Go Go"!! Called "Best Substitute for a Parisian Disco" by the Bay Guardian and "carbonated, contagious" by SF Weekly, "Bardot a Go Go" celebrates its ninth year of playing swinging '60s French pop from the likes of Serge Gainsbourg, Jacques Dutronc, and of course Brigitte Bardot. This year, co-founders Brother Grimm and Cali Kid bring you the best in French pop, as well as Northern Soul, shagadelic electro, '60s psych, and mod pop. There'll also be drink specials, go-go girls, and Frenchie visuals. Shagadelic attire encouraged.

Bastille Day "Bardot a Go Go"
w/ co-founders Brother Grimm, Pink Frankenstein, and Cali Kid

Saturday, July 14
Rickshaw Stop
155 Fell Street @ Van Ness
9 p.m., $10

Also this Saturday, and also in honor of Bastille Day (I can’t go, but you should!):

The Big Gay Frat House is excited to announce the next Girl Drink Drunk, a benefit for the SF Gold Diggers gay hockey team. This month’s femcee, Trauma Flintstone, is performing with Connie Champagne at the New Conservatory Theatre, welcoming special guest femcee Landa Lakes.

Girl Drink Drunk features music, dancing, amazing performances, male strippers, and an open bar sponsored this month by Michael Daniels of Young's Market.

This month will feature special guest performances from:

  • Ethel Merman
  • Mercedes Monroe , Miss Gay San Francisco
  • Samantha Richards
  • Two male strippers (and we're still trying to get some hockey boys strip, too!)

Girl Drink Drunk
Big Gay Frat House, 630 Castro Street @ 19th St.
Doors Open: 7:00 pm
Performances Begin: 8:00 pm
Tickets: $20 in advance; $25 at the door


It’s back to the circuit hard and heavy, with a double-header:

Saturday, July 21:

Adonis with DJ Escape

Sunday, July 22:

Fresh with DJ Scotty K


Saturday, July 28 (daytime)

Splash 2 party at the Imperial Palace with Donna Sachet (Marriage Equality fundraiser)

Saturday, July 28 (nighttime)

Arctic Babylon at Mezzanine

Sunday, July 29

Dore Alley

Hope you all are enjoying summer in San Francisco, and hope to see you soon – here, there, or everywhere!

Your faithful cruise director,

Sunday, July 8, 2007


Hey friends!

Ouch. My glitter hurts. The very sight of rainbow anything makes me a touch queasy…

But it was SO worth it! I celebrated until I had no pride left to give!

Hope you all had a B-A-N-A-N-A-S Pride weekend. I know I did. In fact it was a little TOO much fun, cuz now I’m under the weather. But your ever-faithful cruise director is still hoping to recover in time to make it back to the dancefloor tomorrow night, to lick my Pride wounds to the sounds of some healing beats, and to get in a good night of restorative cardio.

I hope you’ll join me, because there’s some GREAT parties in store:

Saturday, June 30:

Industry @ Mighty

“Double Trouble” with DJs Paulo & Jamie J Sanchez
The theme for the night will be dark and dirty, with Jamie J spinning upbeat vibes until
1 a.m., then turning over the tables to Paulo for dirty tribal grooves until dawn.

Doors: 10 p.m. - dawn
$10 Adv, $20 Door, SPECIAL: 2-for-1 Entry before 11:30 p.m.
119 Utah Street @ 15th St.

Sunday, July 1:

Hoping to keep things mellow and restore some sort of normalcy to life through my favorite and typical Sunday routine:

1) Maria Stanford’s yoga “church” at Gold’s Gym Castro, 9:15-10:45

2) Brunch and mimosas at Squat & Gobble at 11:30 at Noe & Market

3) Lying horizontal and observing boys in speedos at Boy Beach Dolores Park for the rest of the afternoon…

But wait! That’s not all! There’s yet another holiday next week, and yet another dancefloor awaits…

Tuesday, July 3:

IndepenDANCE with DJ's Phil B & Luke Johnstone

The producers of Matinee are teaming up with Gus Presents to bring us more double trouble, with a night full of uplifting, energetic tunes to help us celebrate the 4th of July.

715 Harrison @ 3rd

$10 advance, $20 door

Extended hours: 8pm – 4am

Now ain’t that just the perfect backdrop by which to appreciate how lucky are we that, in San Francisco, every weekend is filled with pride?

Looking forward to shaking my booty and chilling in the gayborhood with you...

Your faithful cruise director,